If you are reading this...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Then I am still the wife of two loving men, the mother of four wonderful children, and we are living our lives openly and happily.  We are still here.


I blogged about our lives for nearly two years, and appreciate everyone who took the time to read about us.  Eventually, I found that I preferred not to post details about our private lives online, but I still hope that other families like ours will feel free to contact me privately with the link above.

I can attest that families with more than one partner can work, and they can work well.  Our children are thriving with the additional support and attention that comes with having more than two parents who care for them.  Their grades are good, they are healthy, and they laugh a lot.  The adults in the family appreciate the support we provide for each other as well, both in our careers and our home lives.  We enjoy a greater level of financial stability than many other large families, we have many hands to assist with household tasks, and we rely on each other emotionally and intellectually as spouses.

We are "out" at work, at church, and in our personal lives.  This has been difficult at times, but ultimately worth it.  Being ourselves has been freeing and much more healthy than being closeted.

We have suffered losses as a result of our openness, too - in particular, close family members have become distanced, and sometimes completely estranged.  For the family members who have not shut the door on any hope for reconciliation, we hope that we will be accepted by them eventually.  If you have lost loved ones because of your family configuration - we understand what that is like, and we are so sorry.

For those of you who identify as polyamorous, or hope to try a polyamorous lifestyle, please: be responsible.  I have found that many of the most vocal advocates for polyamory have not done our family any favors.  Much of our time in coming out to any given person is spent in damage control.  Yes, we believe it is possible to love more than one person and be happy and healthy.  However, we also value stability, commitment, and selflessness.  We believe that children deserve to grow up with minimal changes to their family configurations, and that their parents should be present for them.  Our success as a family has been the result of a lot of work and sacrifice.  I admit that I have sometimes resented being used as an example of poly success by those who aren't doing a lot of work or sacrifice themselves.  So remember, dear polyfolk: what you do matters.  Don't mess it up.  Consider the possibility that your revolving door of partners is going to create a lot of drama, not only for you and your family, but for the rest of us who have to do a lot of public relations work after you fail to do things with right relationship in mind.

Anyway, as long as this page remains, you can be assured that our family continues to do the work of staying together and that we are enjoying our three-adult household.  We continue to put legal things into place for our family as we are able.  We have already been successful when we had to get a restraining order against a hostile family member, we have already been successful when we needed to make sure our son would stay with our family (and not only survived, but came out on top when a Child and Family Investigator visited our home), and we expect to be successful as we pursue a three-parent adoption and as we get our estates and wills in order.  I have successfully changed my name in the courts to reflect my connection to both of the men in my life.  We will soon be leaving our rental behind to pursue a mortgage that lists all three adults as borrowers, and we hope to have a fantastic housewarming party when we are all settled.  Things are going well.

I will be writing privately from now on, and will be putting my book together over the next several months to a year.  I will update this page when my book is complete, for those who are interested.

Thank you, dear readers, for being so wonderfully supportive to our family.  You often made such a real difference in our lives, and helped us to get through some really rough times.  You helped me to keep my faith in humanity, and to keep on trying when the future seemed very bleak.  You congratulated me, when no one else was around to witness the joys in my life.  Now, we have found our footing in real life (as opposed to the virtual community), and we are focusing our attention there.  I hope you all find that footing for yourselves, too.

I am so grateful for the love that blesses me every day.  I wish you all the best.

3 comments:

Orange YaGlad said...

As we wish you the best.

Macha said...

It has been a pleasure reading about you and your wonderful family. I want to thank you for opening my eyes about polyamory and helping me to see how healthy it actually is, when the adults involved are responsible and considerate.

Wishing you all the best!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has been an interesting read and I've celebrated your highs and felt your lows. At the time I discovered your blog, I felt that poly was right for us but have since decided it's not the right move. I am glad it works for some! Bless you and your family!

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